I closed my eyes on Sunday night and I opened them Monday morning a different person. Why was I different? Because I was alone for the first time in my entire life. I had only me… me and Jesus. This week I have been in a total fog and trying to piece my life together. By the grace of God, he has gotten me this far and I will depend on him to keep me going even further. God is picking up all the broken pieces and putting them back together one by one. So, where do I go from here? Another failed relationship, another reason to give up, more reason to look in the mirror and see nothing but failure.
When I opened my eyes on Monday, they instantly filled with tears. I prayed, “Lord, please give me strength.” I maneuvered around the unpacked boxes, the piles of clothes and all the memories I’ve carried around for ten years. My heart was heavy, it was broken and there was no hiding from the world like I’m use to doing when things get rough. Life wasn’t going to stop because I thought it was over and there was no way I was letting the enemy keep me down.
There has been so much that has taken place over the years and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. I tell you right now, if I didn’t have Jesus in my heart.. I’d probably be in a bar looking for a warm body, needing fake assurance that I’m good enough to exist. Instead of going to the bar to feel pretty, I went to Church and felt loved. I know the choice I have made had to be done and I’m going to have to go through the emotions and i will come out cleaner on the other side. Jesus knows my heart and he knows who I am. He is the defender of my heart…
God has been giving me lots of hugs this week and one of the biggest hugs is my itty bitty kitty. I wrote a blog about him a while back. Ari was personally picked out and given to me by God himself. He never leaves my side and he knows when I need a hug, even right now as I’m pouring my heart out he’s laying right next to me. He’s helped this process be a lot more entertaining as he plays with all the papers on the floor and jumping all over the boxes. The night before last, I pulled my little chair into the living room just to sit and take a breath. As I turned to grab a blanket, didn’t take me more than 10 seconds… He already stole my chair.
As I found myself wandering through Walmart to get somethings I needed, I came across this little wax plug in that said “Enjoy the little things.” It was the only one on the shelf and I snagged it. It’s the little things in life that make me the happiest and that right there was little thing from God. My basket was filled with cute kitchen towels, a new comforter for my bed and just constant reminders that it’s going to be just fine. God knows that I use to love the little things in life and as long as I keep my eyes on him, he’s going to continue to bless me with a lot of little things.
Now that I am on my own, that means I have to do everything myself. Now it’s up to me to remember where I left my glasses, or my phone, or my keys, or my mind. When the air is low in my tire, I have to learn how to use the air machine. When I need to hang something in a high place, I now I have to figure it out on my own. Then God reminded me that he is here to help me. He will guide me to where I left my keys, he will hold me up as I hang up my pictures. The more I put into my new little space, the more it starts to fill with God’s presence and all I can feel is his love. The more I kept wanting to write about this, the more the enemy filled with me doubt. He wanted to hold me down and keep me away from filling my broken heart with God’s grace. I can’t do this on my own and I need help. By telling you being alone is one of my biggest fears, I’m stopping the devil in his tracks. Don’t look at me and say I’m so sorry, look at me and say.. Wow, but God! It’s him and only him is why I’m able to even share my words with you. Hiding under my blankets and pretending like the world doesn’t exist is what I really wanted to do.
It’s time to trust what God has planned and it’s time to be faithful to it. We stumble & we fall but he picks us up. When we thought we lost ourselves, he finds us. I checked out on life a long time ago and didn’t even realize it. Walking around doing what I do and not a bit more than that. Thinking I was being faithful to the Lord when in fact I was further away from him than I realized. I wasn’t living for him, I was living for my flesh. The Lord was convicting me every day I walked in lies. Every smile I planted on my face so people couldn’t see the truth in my eyes, every tear I hid from my friends, every scar I had on my heart but I covered them up with jokes and every time I told you I was fine, I wasn’t. Just when I thought all was lost, God swept right in and he grabbed me. He left the 99 and he came for me because he knew I had a purpose to fulfill and that purpose is my testimony.
Days to come are going to be very hard but I will persevere by staying faithful to the one and only man that has stayed true to me. That man is Jesus…
It’s me… Leah. I come to you right now and I ask you for forgiveness. Forgive me Lord for not trusting you sooner. Forgive me that I checked out on my life, on my friends, on my kids and I kept listening to the lies. I kept listening to fear and it over came me. Please forgive me. I pray for your grace and your mercy, I pray that you help me put one foot in front of the other to go out and do your work. Lord through my hurt, my tears and my brokenness, help me shine my light that you’ve given me. Help me be a better me, help me be a better mother, help me be a better friend. You are the man I want to serve and through you I want to show people what your love has done in my life. I lost myself and you helped me find me again. You were always there and you will continue to be there. Lord I love you and I’m so thankful that you picked me to be Leah…