Being a transparent person isn’t an easy task. Putting your life out there for complete strangers to read isn’t something people willingly want to do. God gave me the calling to write quite a few years ago and since then I’ve written a few blogs or I’ve posted little snippets on social media. I’ve found the best way to express my testimony is through worship.
I’ve always been a pretty open person to anyone that wanted to know, sometimes I feel like I’m too open. I’ve found that in my writings people have expressed their gratitude because it makes them feel less alone in their struggles. So, that gave me the motivation to keep going. I’ve gone through seasons where I didn’t want to say anything at all and I’ve gone through seasons where I have expressed more than I should have.
Lately, I’ve feel like I’m just whining… oh poor me. Here I am struggling again and there is no hope for me. Here comes Leah with the same ole song and dance, let’s just pat her on the back tell her it will be okay and maybe she will shut up. It really sucks feeling that way.. It sucks to try to relay your issues and feel unheard. Someone like me who can care less what people think of me, why all of a sudden do I care to be heard? It is because we have to let out our junk so it doesn’t building up inside and drive us to the point of breaking.
I’ve always talked about the stuff people have done to me but I don’t think I’ve truly expressed my role in the way my life has played out. I’ve been going to church for about six years and in that time frame I’ve come from wanting to hide in the background to being all over the place for anyone to see. God really brought me out of my shell, the more I studied his word and got to know who the Lord really is.. the more I started letting people get to know the real me.
I wasn’t the type of person that was ever addicted to drugs or alcohol and it wasn’t until about twelve hours ago that I realized what it is I am addicted to. It’s relationships… The need to not be alone and share life with someone who can appreciate the little things like I do. My previous marriage was filled with so much darkness that I completely checked out of life. (I’ve written many blogs about that already). A few years were spent trying to get to know who I was, be okay with who I was and know that I was divine creation from God. Who am I to question his master piece? My attitude towards life started to change, I felt free and happiness was my new thing. Didn’t matter where I was or who I was with, joy over came in a way I’ve never experienced before. Jesus was the reason for that. I wasn’t seeking my validation from the world because the constant reminders my sweet Lord kept giving me was all I needed.
The fact that I was a horrible mother to my kids didn’t matter anymore. The fact that I went through men like they were chew toys didn’t matter anymore. The fact that I would seek out attention from outlets that did nothing but make my rejection issues worse didn’t matter anymore. God restored me right where I stood and he loved me through all the crap I put myself and my family through. That is the Lord I try to serve… he knows my heart and gave me all the validation that I desperately searched for my whole life.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own for the way my life played out, the choices I kept making not only affected me but my children. I dragged them around with me while I kept making mistake after mistake. On my walk with Jesus, I had those hard conversations with both of my kids and I told them how sorry I was that they were stuck with someone like me. I was selfish and in constant need of filling a void that could have only been filled by the Lord. At a crucial point in their lives where they really needed me as their mother, I checked out of life. Now I see the both of them and I feel completely responsible for where they are in their lives. Even though I forgave myself for the person I was, I wasn’t truly convinced they have forgiven me. By the grace of God, both of them have not only forgiven me but they understood. As children they didn’t really understand, I mean what kid would… but as adults they know I did the best I could. There is nothing more freeing than knowing that through all the horrible, horrible, horrible choices I made in life that both of my kids know that I love them more than my own self. As bad as I thought I was as a mom, they still grew up to be great kids and are learning to make more responsible choices on this adventure we call life.
Now back to my addiction, I use to think it was because I just needed a man and have that picture perfect family life. Someone to cook for, someone to take care of, someone to show everyday how much love I have and someone to just snuggle up with that would make my bad days good days. The harder I tried the more it would fall apart. It’s me right? What’s wrong with me? Why does everything I touch break… why am I like this? Why does my brain fill up with some much nonsense that I can’t function? So many questions and no answers.
Why Lord why? Why do I need a warm body to be next to? Is it because I know what I can bring to the table without even considering the other person’s feelings. They will see how great am, it will make them better inside and we can be the power couple that can conquer the world. Negative… that is not how life works. I use to think it was because I had a fear of being alone but I’m starting to realize that’s not it. I am perfectly content with being on my own, I know how to entertain myself and I’m pretty self sufficient. There isn’t a whole lot that I can’t figure out how to do myself, just as long as it isn’t having to put air in my tire because I have a fear that it will explode in my face. (face palm)
My problem is, that I will carry your burdens. Give it all to me because I’m use to being hurt and feeling pain. I can handle it… then it gets to the point where I am carrying way too much and then I turn into a completely different person. I am a natural at hiding what I’m feeling, unless you know me there isn’t any way you would know I’m dying inside unless I came out and told you. So, while I’m carrying around my luggage, I’m carrying yours around too. I can feel what you are feeling and I can read your thoughts by the crinkles your face makes when something isn’t right. I should have a top degree in body language and a degree in playing stupid. Because I have a natural instinct on being protective and I am a good problem solver, I will try to take your problems & make them my own.
Am I making any sense at all? I feel like at this point I’m just rambling and all over the place.. Who can find someone that doesn’t have any baggage? Do those people really exist? Not at all… Knowing that it’s not my job to fix you so in return you can fix me is my biggest problem. God reminded me in all of this that I don’t need to be fixed because he has already delivered me from a lot of baggage I carry around. Old habits die hard I suppose… It’s the only way I know how to live because up until this point, it’s all I’ve done. I’m feeling myself falling into my old patterns of self loathing, giving myself a pity party and seeking validation from flesh instead of from God.
Romans 8:8 says, “Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.” Galatians 5:16, “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Galatians 6:8, “Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”
There is scripture after scripture screaming at me that the choices I am making is only fueling my addiction. By no means, am I sitting here right now claiming to be this holier than thou devoted Christian. I strive to be a good person and live right by God, but lately I’ve questioned if I’m even doing that. Turning to God only when I’m in trouble and leaving him sitting there when I think things are good isn’t satisfying my Spirit…or pleasing to the Lord. I’m letting this world control my actions. What I think feels good only feels good for a minute and then there I am yet again picking up the pieces. Then I’m back to putting up this front so everyone around me thinks I’m great. It’s a load of crap…
So, here I am writing this blog and repenting to you that I am once again responsible for my downfall. But the difference this time is that I am clinging onto the Lord. I’m turning to those that will speak truth into me, I’m seeking the Lord in my words and my choices. I’m not hiding under the covers and crying it away. And… I’m not looking for a back up plan. I’ve always had a back up plan. I am Leah Marie Deslandes, and I sit here before you told telling you that I choose God. He is my everything, he is my heart, my joy, my provider, my healer, my deliverer and my reason to carry on through this storm.
I love your face!
Psalm 73:26, “My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”