In the waiting..

Do you know what it means to be in the waiting? I’ve been here before but this time it’s different. Before I continue, let me try to explain what it means to be in the waiting.

Psalm 27:14, “Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”

Me being the person that I am, I wanted to dig a little deeper into what this verse means and this is what I found… When David wrote this psalm, he could have been writing it for his soldiers who were becoming impatient. David could have been encouraging them to just be patient and wait. He could have also been writing this for himself, there could have been a trial he was going through where he realized that God’s timing is different from his time. Regardless of who he wrote this for, it pertains to my situation in this moment. I have to wait for the Lord.

The first time I found myself in the waiting, I had no idea that I was actually waiting. Because I was a new Christian and trying to learn what all of this Christian lingo meant… trying to read the bible was a task for me, I would read, “In the beginning..” and then completely lose focus. The more my relationship with God was growing, the more I turn to scripture to search for the answers I so desperately seek.

God’s timing is not the same as our timing. When we think things should happen, the Lord has a bigger plan waiting. In that waiting that is where we become impatient.. We want what we want when we want it. In the waiting is where the “mistakes” happen. I’ve lived my life thinking I knew what was best, then it gets messed up so I go running back to God asking him to fix it. Just to turn around and make the same choices.. It’s a cycle that can only be broken by not growing impatient.

So, what’s wrong now you ask? Well let me tell you.. I’ve been blogging about different situations that have happened throughout my life because the Lord told me to be transparent. I’ve come this far with telling you all the truth so what’s a little more. I’ve been married three times and divorced three times. Two of those divorces have happened in a time frame of three years. My first marriage I really don’t count because I married him more for convenience than love. The second marriage my entire heart & soul went into it, but I only came out of it more broken. The third one… well let’s just say it was short lived. It started with good intentions but was quickly discovered we knew nothing about each other.

I have completely beaten myself up over this for months. My journey with God brought me to such a good place and in that waiting I became impatient. I was saved, I was fixed and I was right with the Lord so that just meant I was ready to conquer the world again. I did what I do best, went and found a man to be a wife to. The finding of a man is the easy part, you wade through the dating pool until you land on something you think is solid and you start building your foundation. The foundation of this relationship started off very strong and had great bones but where the mistake fell is that we both rushed into a marriage that was doomed because God wasn’t in the middle of it.

Not only does my heart hurt, but so does his… Two people got hurt in this situation. That makes me even more mad. I’m mad because I knew better. Out of the two of us, my relationship with the Lord was stronger so I carried all of the weight of being the leader. I didn’t carry that weight because the man I was going to marry wanted me to, I just took the reins until he was ready to lead. I did it without even knowing how he felt about it. He loved me and I loved him right back… so nothing you said to me was going to make a difference because I obviously knew what I was doing… It was in that waiting period that the Lord had me in where I became the boss of my life.

After we split, I thought I was okay with it. I carried on like nothing bothered me because that’s what I do. I lie… mostly to myself. Thinking that I was clinging onto the Lord turned into even a bigger lie because I wasn’t listening to a thing God was trying to tell me. Blocking out his voice just meant I didn’t have to hear the truth. What is different now is that Jesus is in my heart and no matter how hard you try to hide from the Lord, he is always going to get your attention. In this case, he put me on my face and made me listen to him. He’s asked me to step away from things that matter the most to me because he needs my uninterrupted attention. So, two things can happen here. I can either cling onto the free will the Lord gave me to walk a path listening to my flesh or I can listen to him and come out stronger on the other side. I choose God.. In the forty two years I’ve had breath, I’ve repeated the same patterns over and over. It gets me no where so I am surrendering to God’s will and I’m not moving until he tells me to.

I’ve been on my Christian walk for six years now and everyday I learn something new. Just when I think I know all I need to know, something else comes flying at me and I realize I’m not prepared for it. If Jesus came back right now, I’m afraid he would look at me and tell me he doesn’t know me. I’ve put myself into some scary situations before but thinking about standing before the Lord and he tells me he doesn’t know me is by far the scariest.

So, what happens next? Well, I have no idea.. and to be frank, I really don’t want to know until Jesus tells me it’s time to know. I’m going to be still in this waiting season.

Romans 12:12 tells me, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

Everything I need to know is right there in God’s word. The Lord has given me so much grace these past few months. I’ve felt freedom that is indescribable. My intentions for this blog isn’t to lead on to the fact that I’m sad or that my life is just over and all I can do now is cover it up with click flicks & junk food. I’ve gone through all sorts of emotions and the Lord has made me feel every single one of them. In the brokenness is where the healing begins. The power is in our testimonies and through my testimony my prayer is that it empowers you to be more bold on your walk with God.

Sharing your personal life with strangers is not an easy thing to do. Along with transparency comes judgment and unneeded advice. The oh you should do this from now on or the maybe you should try this. Or my personal favorite, well I told you so… Good thing for me I don’t care what anyone has to say because the only voice I listen to is God’s.

There is power in the name of Jesus!

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