Well here I am… Saturday night… alone in my living room. I hate this part of being single. This is why I try to stay busy so I don’t have to think about it. Since it’s only 6:30, it’s entirely too early to go to bed so all I have is my cats & my thoughts. I’ve really tried to avoid writing about this part. It’s way too vulnerable for me but here it goes…
I’ve stated before that I was raised by a single mother. My mom worked her tail off for us both. Not only was she a young woman when I came into her life, but she was alone too. She was an incredible mother to me and I know a day doesn’t go by that she wishes she could have given me a family. She wanted so badly for me to have a real man figure in my life. Maybe someone to teach me how to shoot a gun, take me fishing, play in the dirt with me. You know teach me that stuff that dads teach. I have no idea what that is but I know it’s good stuff. My mom is still mad at my dad.. because it breaks her heart that he missed out on being apart of my life. He has no idea what he missed out on because I am pretty dang amazing.
My personality comes from my dad. My ex husband met my dad once and at the end of the night, he looked at me and said, “I get it now.”.. My dad is extremely immature and has no filter. He is so funny and loves living his life. I met him for the first time when I was around the age of 10. I have a very vivid memory of my mother’s face when I asked her if I had a dad. Some neighbor hood kids asked me where my dad was, “I don’t have a dad”, I said. Their response, “Everyone has a dad.” That statement confused me. Up until that point, I was completely content with it just being my mom and me. I knew no different. I was flabbergasted by this new information at the age of 7 years old. So I asked my mother where my dad was and her face.. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. You can’t convince me that she didn’t stop breathing for a minute or two.
You see, I was the result of a summer romance. My dad is from the New England area and during the summers, my grandparents packed up the RV and went up North. My dad was staying in an apartment upstairs from my moms cousin. My mom and dad locked eyes one day as he played baseball with some friends in the backyard. Obviously there was a little chemistry going on or I wouldn’t be here. It wasn’t until my mom was back down in Georgia did she realize she was pregnant. A single unwed mother with no one to turn to and having to raise a child on her own. She called my dad, she told him that he was going to be a father. Long story short, he said peace out.
One day my grandma, my mom and me got in the car to drive up to Massachusetts. I’ve been up there a few times but this time was going to be different. I was going to meet my dad but I didn’t know it. My mom took me over to this lady’s house one afternoon. No clue who she was, but she gave me my first porcelain doll that I still have to this day. Turns out she was my other grandma. For some reason I was in the center of attention and I was okay with that. The next day, my mom took me back over to this lady’s house and on the way there she told me something:
Mom: So, someone will be there today that you’re going to meet. It’s your dad..
Me: Sitting in the passenger seat watching all the houses go by and processing what she just said.
Mom:…. total silence.
My mom walked me through the door of this house. There is a room full of people and every one of them are looking at me. I walk up to the first man I see in the room, I look up at him and asked, “Are you my dad?” Yep, I did that! He points to this man sitting on the couch and he looks terrified. He’s scared, I’m scared so I did what I knew to do. I hid behind my mom. Lucky for him, his wife saved the day. She asked me if I liked horses? Heck yea I like horses! Next thing I remember, we were all in the car on the way to see this horse. His name was Big Red. It was the first time I got to hang out with my dad.
After that, it was pretty routine that I would go up there during the summer months to spend with him. We always went on family vacations, we’d go camping and do different stuff. I got to learn what it was like to have a structured family life. Dinner at the table, family tv time.. and it felt good but I always felt like I really didn’t belong there. My dad and his wife had two kids. The age gap between us was pretty big so I didn’t really bond with them much. My brother was cool but my little sister was so spoiled and got on my nerves. I never really spent any quality time with my dad and he never really got to know me. Or he really just didn’t care to learn anything about me..if he did care, he never showed me that.
We lost touch in my early 20’s and every other..other..other blue moon we would talk on the phone. He got a touch of guilt about 5 years ago and reached out. He decided to come into my life again. He was excited to see his grand kids and he had a new wife, oh they had a brand new Cadillac. My dad is one of those people who likes the finer things in life. He plays golf, has a winter home in Florida and the back yard of his home in Maine looks like a bar. I mean he is that guy that everyone wants to hang out with. I would love to hang out with him but for some reason he doesn’t like to hang out with me. I’m just the poor sad bastard daughter that lives in Georgia with her mother. I know.. I sound big mad. I promise you, I’m okay. I promised the Lord I was giving this one my all, no matter how hard it was to write.
I told both of my kids before they met their grandpa to not get use to having him around. I didn’t want my dad to hurt them like he hurt me, so I prepared them for what was coming. I told them to take the gifts, say thank you and say nothing else. Don’t expect it to last long. And I was right.. we stopped being fun about 2 years later. My dad told me it was because he didn’t like my ex-husband. What he really meant, “You don’t fit in.”
Even though it doesn’t seem that way, I forgave him a very long time ago. I made peace with the fact that it will never be in the cards for us. And that’s okay.. If it wasn’t for him walking away from my mother and me, then I wouldn’t be here to share my testimony and glorify God in all of this. My dad issues led to major rejection and kinds of other stuff. I’m not going to list them all.. I don’t have enough internet to do that. Every scar this world left on my heart was healed by my Heavenly Father. He never gave up on me and he forgave me for all of it.
The consequence of my choices is that I’m stuck home alone on a Saturday night, because I took control of my life instead of letting God take the lead. Instead of wasting my night scrolling through the catalog of “available” men, I’m here telling you that Jesus fills that void of being alone. His comfort and peace trumps any fleshy hug. He put my heart back together and gave me boldness. Boldness to help single women that fall victim to that demon we call loneliness. But I know whatever the Lord has for me is going to make the devil go kick rocks.
Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”
My loneliness is going to be my new best friend. Until that person the Lord has for me steps in my path, I get to hang out with Jesus. I will continue to encourage women who are struggling right there with me and together we will hold each other up. We will not settle for anything less than amazing. We will not let the thoughts of, “What’s wrong with me?” enter our minds and we will not let the fear of getting older stop us from what God has. We won’t always be alone.. Jesus is preparing our hearts for what’s coming. If one of those God fearing men, with a beard, dad bod and guns came up to me right now.. whisked me away into absolute bliss, I would run away from it. Because I’d always wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. It wouldn’t be fair to enter into another relationship with a closed heart. My heart is full of Jesus right now, I am on FIRE for him and only him. I don’t have room for anything else at this moment.
I will continue to pray for the Lord to prepare him for me. The good, the bad, the ugly and the amazing. All of it.. Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. Thank you for reading it all the way to the end.
I love your face!
P.S. Don’t worry dad, I love you and pray you know that. I forgive you.