I’ve been trying for over a week to write this entry. I don’t even want to call it a blog anymore. These are more like journal entries that I’m sharing with you all. My personal random thoughts that I’m allowing you to read. The fact that I sound like a broken record in every entry I write is proof that I’m working it all out. I am one of those people who has to think out loud sometimes, and when I hear myself say the words I don’t want to hear then it hits home. Writing out my thoughts gives me the chance to catch & release feelings that I don’t need anymore.
Since my recent ex husband left, I went through so many trials and the enemy did everything he could to take me out. As much as I wanted to fall victim to my depression I just kept going. I kept getting up and I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Why? Jesus.. I did it for him because at that point he was the only thing I had left and even though my brain told me I disappointed him my will to serve him kept going. I don’t really talk about my recent marriage mostly because I keep pushing those feelings way down deep. The Lord keeps bringing it out of me because he knows how dangerous it is to keep things bottled up. By writing down the good, the bad & the ugly, it helps me release. When I release, then it helps you feel not so alone in your struggles.
I trust God and he never steers me wrong. So here it goes.. Every man I’ve ever been in a relationship with has been nothing more than just a distraction. My first husband was addicted to porn & other women. I knew that before I married him but I didn’t care. My kids were young and I was barely pushing 22. Clueless isn’t a strong enough word to use to describe what life was like for me back then. He was military and being with him came with benefits. My second marriage.. lol.. That man violently shoved me straight into the arms of the Lord. Sorry for the laughter and I know I’ve written many, many blogs about him but those were only words. The day to day of having to live in pure hell can’t be described. I laugh because the enemy knew I was steps away from killing myself but God said other wise. Here I am standing tall and proud.
Then came husband number three… Man did I love him. He was so different from anyone I’ve ever been with. If I were to just pass him by on the street, I wouldn’t have even gave him a second look. He found me on TikTok and in return I found him on Tinder. I woke up one morning with a ton of notifications all from the same person. He watched and liked every one of my videos, then later that day when I opened the dating app. His profile was the first one on my screen and I gave him a swipe. My first message to him went something like, oh look it’s my new stalker on TikTok! Haha! We met about a week later and became inseparable after that. He listened to me when I spoke and even though he gave me funny looks on some of the things that came out of my mouth, the way he looked at me was a look I never experienced before. You know that cheesy line men like to say to us sometimes, “I can see myself in your eyes”, well that’s exactly what I saw when I looked at him. He made me feel beautiful.. I could have been in a room with a thousand top models but I would be the only one he saw. It made my heart burst. Anytime I was around him, all he would do was hug me and his arms made me feel so safe. It was a match made in heaven and no one could tell me any different.
Three months later we were engaged. The proposal was also another thing that I never experienced. He was actually down on one knee holding this beautiful ring and that moment felt like I was in a real life fairy tale, finally my happy ending was here. I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Finally someone who gets me and will be able to put up with this hot mess of a woman. Even though he hadn’t yet experienced all of my personalities, I knew in my heart he could handle me because I trusted him.
Spiritually we were not equally yoked yet. I had been walking with the Lord for about 5 years and his walk hadn’t been quite that long yet. It didn’t matter to me that he wasn’t ready to spiritually lead because I was going to help him. Through prayer and me thinking my faith would be strong enough for the two of us, the enemy started placing doubt within him. Quickly things started taking a turn but my eyes wouldn’t open to what was going on around me. We married in June of 2021 and we were divorced by July of 2022. My mind had convinced me that he was not prepared for someone like me and so I did what I thought was right… I got rid of him. I know that sounds harsh, but apart from being saved in my mind, there were also parts of me that laid dormant. That part being get rid of anything that hurts me.
I became too much for him and he couldn’t handle it. He moved in with me one week before we got married and I’m surprised he still said I do. He wasn’t given a chance to prepare himself for what was coming and despite my best efforts to make the transition for him as smooth as possible, it wasn’t enough. My self doubt started to creep back in and the less attention I got the more of the “you’re not worth it” started to enter my mind. Once again, I found myself in a situation that was taking me away from my faith. When he told me I acted different at church than I do at home, that broke my heart. Each day kept getting worse & worse, we barely spoke or touched each other. Every morning I woke up feeling less like his wife and more like his room mate.
Since I’m already being honest in his blog, I never felt like his wife. The day we got married was not a happy day. It was extremely awkward and full of confusion. It wasn’t his fault, it was mine because out of the two of us I knew better. I should have stopped it before it even got to that point. The fact we were not equally yoked on a lot of things meant that our marriage would have never worked because God was not the main focus. What we thought we knew about each other was just us putting our blinders on. He was going with what he thought I wanted and I did what I thought he wanted. There is no doubt in my mind he didn’t love me right back. Our time to become man and wife should have happened later. Through counsel and prayer, we would have become an unstoppable couple but we both fell victim to our flesh.
I didn’t want to write this at all because it still hurts when I think about it. He was my best friend and someone I enjoyed being around. The real reason why I didn’t want to write this is because I don’t want to hurt him. His walk with the Lord is progressing every day. Mine halted when he moved out because I was embarrassed and shameful. The disappoint I felt about myself was painful and mostly because I knew God was disappointed too. Right after our divorce, everything hit the fan all at the same time. It was one hit after another and I honestly felt like I was being punished for my mistakes.
By no means am I saying I turned away from God, I just hid from him and I blocked out his voice. He wasn’t punishing me because I was the one punishing myself. My husband didn’t hurt me, I hurt him. All I was doing was beating myself up because once again another person in my life fell victim to my chaos. But God has given me nothing but comfort and he keeps loving me through all of my mess. His love is so pure, so pure in fact that my brain can’t understand why he keeps saving me from myself. The more I wanted to run away from the word, the more God kept pouring into me but I didn’t know that he was. My heart was closed and wasn’t receiving anything he had for me.
Here is the thing, I was dumb. I was living my life solely off of what I thought God wanted for me. That was selfish of me to live like that because all it did was get someone hurt. I don’t know if anything written today makes any sense, really all I want to do is to delete this. I can’t.. I’m trying to be as transparent as I possibly can because it’s the only way to heal. You may think it’s easy to hit the publish button but every single time I write an entry, my mind goes all over the place.
I’m sorry this one isn’t full of scripture and hope for the future. But if I sugar coat anything then I’m not doing what God wants me to do. Our choices have consequences, whether they are good ones or bad ones is up to us. God gave us free will which means I can’t blame him for anything that happened. The minute he left that key on my table, I told the Lord I was done. No more.. I’m not doing this to myself anymore. I want you and only you. I’m not moving until you tell me to move. It’s been hard because I suck at being alone but now I appreciate it. I see what God is doing and like I said earlier, he’s never steered me wrong thus far.
I love your face!