The Lord gave me confirmation on why I am writing about all this mess. Every time I write about Bud I feel a certain type of way. Why do I keep harping on this topic Lord? I am healing from this, I have received deliverance of this but I keep going back to it? Why?..
He yelled at my face.. Because you won’t say what you’re supposed to say. You keep watering it down, you keep hiding from your truth and you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Stop it.. I told you to write so write it. You know when you get yelled at by someone and your face goes straight to I want to cry but I don’t want you to know that I want to cry. Yea, I had that face! So I said, “Yes sir.” Then followed it up with a, “You mad bruh?”
Anyways, I want this post to be about how God saved me and pulled me out of a horrible situation. May of 2019 was a very important month for me. Let’s back up to March of 2019. Bud was a truck driver and at this point he was gone for an entire week, so the only time we spent together was on weekends. Him and I were married and our 2nd anniversary was right around the corner. I had to be extremely careful on how I planned my time, because weekends were used for serving the Lord. There were a few ministries at church I was apart of and that was mainly done on weekends. Bud had gotten away from serving the church because he was gone all the time. What little time he did have at home was demanded to be spent with him and him only.
An abuse survivor should really be a thing we are allowed to be put on our resumes under the skill section, because having to plan & maneuver your calendar is top notch problem solving skills when you are in an relationship with a narcissist . Here was my check list before his truck pulled up to the house:
- House clean – Check
- Phone silenced – Check
- Are you showered & shaved – Check
- Do you have your eyebrows on – Check
- Is your hair done – Check
- Do you smell good – Check
- Is there anything laying around the house that might trigger him – Check
The minute I would hear his air brake on the truck my heart would sink into my stomach. Because the first thing I had to do was go running outside to greet him so he could jump out of his truck like a big hero bringing home the bacon, he’d kiss me and grab my ass. Then he’d give me the I need sex look. So I’d bang his brains out and make him happy so I could go serve the Lord. As long as I could keep him happy and make sure not to stay gone all day, I was in like flin.
Sometimes I would just let him come home and be mad, because I didn’t have the strength to fake it. As long as he didn’t drink too much, it was okay. One weekend, I had been cleaning all morning to get ready for him to come home, I hadn’t showered yet, in bum clothes and no eyebrows on my face. I heard his truck pull up but my guard was down because we hadn’t fought in a few weeks. He walked in the house, I hugged & kissed him, ten minutes later I got in the shower. My hair was down, make up on my face, I smelled good and I go back up to him to show some love but he snubbed me. I remember standing there and let out this sigh, the only thing that ran through my mind at this point was, “here we go”. What did I do?, I asked him.. “I came home to you looking like that, why does everyone else get to see you all dressed up looking nice but I can’t come home to you looking nice?”
This man really just said that to my face. My flesh wanted to slap him right across the face so hard that it would knock him back 10 minutes to start that all over again, give him a chance to act right. Instead, I got in my car and drove to my friends house. There needed to be some separation because that was my breaking point. Remember when I told you that he liked the suicide attempts, If you don’t know what I’m talking about then go back and read, “Life with Bud”. Bud drove himself up to the store to buy some beer, he sat in the garage and got drunk. It didn’t take much for him to get buzzed because he had quit drinking for awhile. Since I put my phone on mute, I didn’t know he was calling me and because I didn’t answer the phone he proceeded to send me a text message basically telling me he was going to kill himself. When I realized he was trying to get in touch with me, I called him back but all I could hear was the motorcycle in the background.
He closed the garage door and turned his motorcycle on.. and he passed out from being drunk. He wasn’t trying to kill his self, he just wanted to get my attention and me to come home but the fact he just pounded down two forty ounce beers in less than 2 hours that caused him to pass out in his chair. If I didn’t see that text message, he would be dead right now. I called 911 as I was driving back home and I didn’t even know what to say to the lady.. “So my husband is an idiot, he locked himself in the garage with his bike running to fake kill himself, but he passed from drinking.” When I pulled up in the drive way, every cop in the county was in front of my house. The garage door was open and he is sitting on the step of our porch and his face is STEAMING mad! If those cops left without him, the rein of destruction that would have come over my house would have been fight to the death. All he wanted was for me to come home but he passed out like a dummy and no one else was home to break into the garage. I had no choice but to call the cops and then he spent three days under suicide watch. All of this happened because he came home to me not cleaned up.
If looks could have killed, I’d be dead that day.. lol.. The Lord wouldn’t let him come home until he calmed down. After that happened, I moved in with a girlfriend for a month. I couldn’t live one more second in that house and this was my chance to finally leave but I didn’t use my time wisely that month. He backed me into a corner so I had no choice but to go back. We went on an anniversary trip a week or two later, and two weeks after that trip I left him.
I’d been with Bud for ten years at this point, I was bruised.. I was battered.. I was tired.. and I was fed up! Bud came at me, I looked at him dead in his eyes and said, “you make suicide look like a vacation.” When I heard those words come out of my mouth I knew it was time to pack my bags. He came home mad on a Friday night and I woke up that night with him standing over me. It was pitch black in my room and his eyes were glowing yellow. His breathing was heavy, he had a beer in his hand and he wanted me to give him my phone. He wanted to know what I was telling people about him. I slept with my phone in my hand under my pillow at all times in case I needed to call for help, so when he came in looking for it he woke me up trying to get my phone.
I ran down the hall way with him yelling at me behind me and called my friend. I was in the corner of my foyer up against the wall with her on the phone as he is calling me every name in the book. I was terrified and I knew he was about to hurt me, but he wouldn’t touch me as long someone was witness to it. This is where God stepped in! Bud stomped down the hallway, slammed the bedroom door and passed out in the bed. I stood there for a minute to collect my thoughts, I climbed on the couch and went to sleep. The next morning, he got on his bike and took off. Never heard from him at all that day until he came home that night long enough to grab something and give me the finger as he walked back out the door. No idea where he went, who he was with or what he was doing and I didn’t care!
I went to bed on that Saturday night and he never came home. Sunday morning my eyes opened and immediately I began to cry out to God. God please help me… please. I went to church that morning and worked the sound booth. Told my Pastor’s wife and my best friend that I was moving out of my house that day. While I was at church, I prayed to God for him to not come home while I was leaving. Four and half hours later, I was completely moved out of my house and into a two bedroom apartment. My mom was a property manager and she had an apartment ready for move in that no one had claimed yet. My daughter and I packed our stuff, never looked back. I left a lot of stuff behind but some how managed to leave with everything I needed. It took two trips but it all got done.
The end of that night I collapsed into a deep sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever slept so good in my entire life. For ten years I felt as if I was trapped in a long hallway and just kept running towards the door. The faster I ran, the further away it got. One day I finally reached the door handle and made it to other side. Now it was time for me to learn how to not live in constant fear every waking moment. It’s harder than you think it is.
It’s been four years since I’ve gotten away from Bud and I’m finally able to really release that part of my life. These past few years the Lord has taught me how to stand strong in my faith. I was sinking in the water but Jesus grabbed my hand to pull me up. He planted my feet in the soil so I could grow.
God placed people in my life that kept speaking truth into me, women to hold up my arms when I couldn’t do it anymore. Women that would pull me from underneath my covers so I wouldn’t isolate myself. Because of those women that allowed God to work through them, I was able to survive the attempt the enemy made on my life and now I can help you. No one ever wants to hear the dark stuff about abuse, some people just don’t understand what it’s like but only want to question why I wouldn’t leave him. Bud kept my mind so wrapped around him that I didn’t have room to think about an exit strategy. The closer I got to the Lord, the more he started to unclutter my brain and opened my eyes to what was really going on around me. For ten years I lived in a fog so thick that I couldn’t see 3 feet in front of me.
Jesus was that light that dissipated the fog. He was my light house that helped me reach the shore. He was the ray of sun that broke through the clouds on a rainy day. He didn’t forsake me, nor leave my side the entire time. He kept reaching out to me but I just wouldn’t listen to him. Let me be that voice for you.. Hear Jesus in my words I write to you. You are not alone and God loves you. You are worthy of life, you have a purpose and you are significant. You matter… Man or woman.. you matter.
Sometimes thanking the Lord just isn’t enough. I feel like just saying thank you to him is meaningless. What can I do Lord to show you my gratefulness? He told me to spread the good news. The good news is that we win… at the end of all this mess.. we win! Keep persevering, keep spreading the gospel, keep loving like Jesus and keep telling people how good God is so they will win too. When we get to sit before the Lord and worship him for all eternity it makes all of this worth it. All the pain, all the suffering, all of it.. it makes it all worth it just to be sitting at his feet.
Bud is only a chapter in my testimony and it almost took me out but I’m grateful that in all of the darkness I found the Lord. I found God and I’m able to tell my story.
I love your face..