Diary of My Random Thoughts

When you are single and in love with the Lord, what does that look like? This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now, Do I want somebody or anybody? One of my biggest pet peeves is someone who does a whole lot of talking but does absolutely nothing to back it up. I’ve spent my entire life listening to people talk about what they want or what they are going to do but then do nothing to achieve what they want. I am talking to myself in this as well.

After my recent divorce, I have thrown this wall up and I’m done trying to entertain people that do nothing but run their mouths. Over the years of dating, being in relationships and being in marriages that have crashed & burned, I have made myself a pact… I am NOT putting myself into another situation with a man unless I know that I know that I know it’s in God’s plan. I’ve said quite a few times to a few men since I’ve been single that I will not move until God tells me I can move. They don’t really stick around in my inbox much longer after that, which is fine with me because that means they don’t want what I want. Most of them just want anybody that they are attracted to and that will meet their needs in the time frame they need. Patience is a rarity these days…

I have never been a person that waits for anything or anyone. So I get it.. Being alone sucks and when you have no one to talk to then your thoughts take over. I am a person who has fallen victim to my thoughts on many occasions. Sometimes my brain says, just text “him”, You know the him you have in your phone that will meet your needs when you need him to.. That way you don’t have to feel lonely anymore and have a night of fun. But what happens after that night of fun? You go right back to feeling lonely again, then that loneliness leads you to a dating app where you swipe on someone you think is the one.

This is where the Lord has been working in me because not once since my divorce have I have let myself go there. I came close a time or two but the Lord kept me safe from those temptations. He has a plan for me in all of this and I’m not sure exactly what that is yet but I am trying to stay faithful to him. Jesus is my man right now and I’ve always been the type of woman who stays faithful to her man.

Last night when I sat alone in my apartment eating dinner, I looked around my house and wanted so badly to say, “Dinner is ready” then hear the footsteps of someone coming down the hallway to get their plate. After that, I took my dogs with me on my walk to the dumpster to throw away some trash and I imagined someone walking with me to enjoy the beautiful evening. Having someone to hug me on the days I’m in my feelings and need to feel safe & secure. This is where the Lord has given me patience. Patience in knowing that it may be a year or ten years.. but the Lord knows what he is doing. I hope I don’t have to be single for ten years but if that’s what I have to do then so be it..

It’s so easy to just go swiping through the dating apps to find someone to fill that void. But that void is nothing more than putting mud in a nail hole, that mud might harden and you can’t see the hole anymore but eventually someone will come along and drive their nail in that hole opening it back up… then they fill that hole with a bunch of talking of what they are going to do but then they just scroll through Facebook looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. Then they realize the other side of the fence is filled with a bunch of cow ploppys. My past with men has been just about every scenario you can imagine. I can tell when someone is lying to me by the way their eyebrows raise up when they are quickly trying to find a lie that will line up with their excuses.

I can tell you the exact moment when it was revealed to me that I didn’t just want anybody. One morning I walked into a room where my best friend was, then I realized she was on the phone. Her husband was praying for her and in return she prayed for him. They both were giving a word that morning in two different places so they took a moment to encourage one another and to pray for the Lord to be with them. Once the call was over and I watched my friend wipe that tear from her face, I told her if my next relationship didn’t look like that then I didn’t want it. I don’t care how many nights I eat dinner alone in my house, if the man that wants to pursue me doesn’t take his desires before the Lord then get to stepping. Because I assure you that I’m taking my desires to the Lord, he has listened to me many times go on an on.

My tone in this entry may sound like I’m angry or annoyed maybe.. I’m not either one of those, I’m just writing about the stuff that I face on my journey of singleness. This is my 647th time being on this journey but I learn something different every single time. And it took me making mistakes 647 times for me to get it. This verse was in my notifications this morning when I woke up.

Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

Every single letter in that verse is implanted in my heart, I have to store it there because my heart is what has deceived me the most. I listened to my heart when it told me, “yes everything this man is telling you is the truth”, but it only resulted in a third divorce. I listened to my heart while my second husband abused me and I believed he really loved me & would change. I also listened to my heart on many occasions that put me in situations that gave me fear of rejection. So, the words follow your heart just sets you up for failure. By putting God’s word in something I don’t trust helps me understand why I listen to Him and not my flesh.

I don’t know if any of this even makes sense.. or if this is even something worth posting. I’ve just decided that these are nothing more than journal entries of my thoughts that I am sharing with you. I pray my words encourage my single peeps to hold on and be patient. Patience is a gift from the Lord and in that patience is where you can be safe in the Lord’s arms. Don’t waste your time on anybody.. instead pray for that somebody that the Lord has for you.

I love your face..

Stay tuned..

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