Dear Diary.. it’s a process for real

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This journey I am on right now with the Lord has really been an eye opening experience. I’ve grown in ways that I don’t know how to put into words. I’ve been fasting from a few things since Christmas and I honestly don’t know how to fast. I’ve heard people talk about it, I’ve read a few things about fasting but it’s hard for me to comprehend it in a way that makes sense for me. When I’ve read about fasts in the Bible, they go without food for days upon days. The modern day fast is basically, just pick something that is hard for you to go without, that way you can depend on the Lord to fill your needs. That is not word for word how it was explained to me but that is the simple version I can understand.

Over the years I’ve done a few different ones. I’ve fasted from junk food, I’ve fasted sugar all together and last year I only ate fruits and vegetables. Typically I start a fast at the first of the year and will last just about the entire month of January. I’ll be totally honest, I will just get through it and then go on with my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever really depended on the Lord to get me through it. Right before Christmas, I started to think about my fast and how I can do it the right way. I decided to do a sugar fast and immediately started to plan some meals & snacks. Right after Christmas, I started cutting sugar out of my food and when January 1st rolled around I went full speed ahead.

Aside from doing a food fast, I’ve also decided to stay off of my phone and put more focus on myself & the Lord. My phone stays in my hands when I have nothing else to do. I’m either scrolling through social media or playing games.. All I do is fill my mind with pointless crap that does nothing for my growth. Staying off of my phone has been harder than the food. If I don’t keep my mind occupied then it wanders off and takes me places. Here lately, I’s been reminding me over & over again that I’m all by myself. When I feel myself having those thoughts, I get up and do something because I don’t want my flesh to take over.

Yesterday morning (January 12, 2023), The Lord brought something to light and I’ll be honest it crushed me a little bit but I had the boldness to face it. Being able to point out things that are unhealthy for me and at the same time having the courage to let go of those things comes straight from the Lord. I found myself wanting something, so I took my desires before the Lord. My prayer was if this wasn’t in His will then make it go away. Because of this fast, I was able to stand still so I could hear from the Lord. I wasn’t filling my mind with the world by scrolling through my phone to keep my brain occupied, I had no choice but to listen to God. Once again, my heart was leading me in the wrong direction and God showed me it wasn’t time yet.

He showed me that I can’t tell women that are single to hold fast, stay faithful in your walk and respect yourself when I’m not respecting myself by being caught up in situations that will bring nothing but disappointment. All I can do is thank the Lord for showing me the way.. even though my flesh wants what it wants and it sucks I can’t have it but I know that listening to me and not Jesus will get me no where. I am holding myself accountable by taking charge over my fleshy desires. The meaning of insanity is repeating the same things over again but expecting different results. Walking down a path I know will end up the same way is not what I want to do anymore. I’m tired of being tired!!

Last night as I was reflecting about my day, I put my earbuds in and laid on my couch. Thoughts started to race in my mind and my eyes started to fill up with tears.. Doubting myself on what happened that morning, I could feel my heart hurting and found myself praying for a way to overcome the heaviness.. Then God showed up and I had a one on one encounter. It was so intense that I couldn’t breathe.. The air that I was getting in my lungs wasn’t even mine it was His. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think and all I could do was feel Him. Then he downloaded into me something he wants me to do. When it was over and I felt the Holy Spirit leave, my body instantly fell back down into the couch.

When my kids were little and I wanted to talk to them, I would get down to their level to get face to face with them. That is what God did to me last night, it felt like he picked me up off my couch to put me right in his face so I would listen to him. Even though I know I wasn’t floating in the air, my body was so tense from what was going on that when the Spirit left me I instantly relaxed and sank into my couch. There is no way to really describe what those encounters are like. If you’ve truly have had a one on one experience with God then you already know. Some of you that are reading may have never had that kind of experience, but trust me when I say he will come to you when you least expect it and then you will understand what I mean.

No one ever said that being a Christian was going to be easy. It’s hard.. really hard in fact. The questions of why does it have to be this way or why are you letting this happen to me tend to pop up sometimes. I’ve learned that it’s not him I should be asking those questions to, it’s me.. I should ask myself those questions.. God gave me free will and in that free will I am able to choose what I want. Do I follow the ways of the world and get wrapped up in the madness or do I stay patient and let God reveal to me where I am supposed to go. His timing is a lot slower than my timing and to be quite frank.. it’s annoying. After yesterday, I realize that he knows what he is doing and he is taking care of me.

During my times of loneliness, I have to get into His word and lean on God to bring me comfort. God has me in a waiting period and I’ve been in this waiting period for quite some time now. I’m not using the word wait as if I am waiting for the right man to come along. When I say wait, I mean I’m waiting for instructions of how God wants to use me in this season of being single. My reason for breathing on this earth is to one day go to heaven and to bring you with me and for you to bring people with you as well. Spread the gospel, tell you what God is doing in my life and pray that it brings you hope to finally surrender to HIS will! When I was lost and trying to find my way, I could read someone else write these words and it would go over my head. What in the world are you talking about?! What does that even mean.. then one day it finally just clicked in my head and I started to understand little by little what all this Christian talk meant. If you really want a change in your life and I mean you really want a change, then tell Jesus that. Talk to him like you’re talking to a friend.. Turn off the world around you and just start talking to him.

Sure, at first you feel dumb because you’re talking to “thin air” but after awhile you start seeing a difference. You start feeling different, you start seeing things different and then comes the moment where God starts revealing himself to you. Then you say, “Oh.. that’s what they meant.” You then realize that you are starting to understand what all this Christianese means. It’s a process.. and it’s a slow process but just trust it.

Regardless of what your situation is at this moment, just know that you are not alone in it. It sucks, it hurts and at times is incredibly frustrating but just know you are not alone in it. God is listening to you and he’s there with you, even if you don’t see it yet.

I love your face..

Stay tuned…


3 thoughts on “Dear Diary.. it’s a process for real

  1. I’m with you on this. I feel myself wanting and needing the Lord more and more in my life. I’m going to start a fast soon and it will be from social media. My phone is a problem also. If I don’t have anything to do I will be on my phone texting or either on social media. When I sit in silence to hear from the Lord at times I end up falling asleep. I’m trying to do better this year with being intentional with him. But the year has just started and we shall see were it goes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “When I wept, and chastened my soul with fasting, That was to my reproach.”
    ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭69‬:‭10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    It’s a discipline for sure. But it’s also a humility which our flesh doesn’t like. It’s hard! But you can do all things through Christ!

    Liked by 1 person

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