Chronicles of a really tired woman!

Photo by Andrey Grushnikov on

A lot has happened over the past few weeks, and some things I can’t seem to wrap my brain around yet. But the Lord dropped in my mind today that I needed to share something with you all. I’m not sure what that is yet so I am completely winging this entire thing. I was talking earlier with a friend of mine about testimony. What is a testimony? The definition I came across said, a formal written or spoken statement. Then I went to the word to read about testimony and found scripture after scripture about testimonies.

All the testimony given in the Bible all points to one thing and that one thing is Jesus. It all points straight to Jesus. There is testimony after testimony in the Bible that talks about what Jesus did in his 33 years on this earth. People he healed, people he taught, people he did life with… it’s all in there. All this knowledge at your finger tips about how good God is. So when we give our testimony.. what does that mean?

At the beginning of my journey finding the Lord, I would hear people talk about giving their testimony. I remember asking a friend of mine what that meant and she told me it’s when people tell their story about what God has done for them in front of other people. No way I’m doing that.. Me in front of people? Absolutely not! Well the day finally came where I was going to give my testimony and I did nothing more than ramble on for Lord knows how long about absolutely nothing. I just stood in a room full of women and talked about nothing. I can’t even tell you how long I was up there but what I can tell you is that nothing pointed to Jesus. It was more of who I was and what happened through out my life.. it was nothing more of a look at me I’m doing this kind of thing.

It was never my intention of standing up to only talk about myself but I just didn’t know what to do. I am live & learn kind of person.. I do it and then I evaluate the situation so if I do it again, then I know what to do differently. I am a visual learner and if someone tries to explain to me verbally what to do, I can’t retain the information. But instead of asking for help and being a bother to someone because I don’t understand, I just do it myself.. get through it… then see what kind of reaction I get. It has always just been easier to figure it out rather than ask for help. My experiences with trying to get further information on something that I didn’t understand just ended up with that person looking at me like I was stupid. So to avoid having to put that person in their place, I said screw it.. I’ll do it myself. Not saying that anyone did not help me understand how to give a testimony, I was just use to doing things on my own.

I’ve only given my testimony twice verbally and I’ve written a ton of passages about different things. I always feel like I’m repeating myself and harping on the same things over & over, I’m just telling the same old sob story… I’m kind of tired of telling you that I grew up a loner… I was used and abused by men.. I had a sex addiction because it was the only way I knew how to “love”.. I was a horrible mother to my children.. I’ve said that so many times… It was what I thought I was supposed to do when giving a testimony. You say all the bad stuff that ever happened to you and then you say I found Jesus and it all went away. Negative..

If you are truly seeking the Lord and really trying to do the best you can, then you will have testimony every day of your life. Yesterday, February 8th of 2023, I was delivered from a spirit of lust standing in my living room on the way to work. True story… In a matter of minutes I went from asleep to awake to being possessed by something not of God that then turned into straight rage that then turned into a testimony. Something that I have been carrying around with me for years upon years that just laid dormant inside of me got awaken and took over my body completely. I could have walked up to a complete stranger and punched them straight in the face with zero remorse. It was so bad that I bet if you looked in my eyes they would have been completely blacked out.

What happened to get me there? That was the question I asked all day yesterday. The fact that I’m severely sleep deprived played a huge role in what took place yesterday. I really want to go into more detail on what happened but I’m not sure how to word it just yet. God will release me on how to properly explain this better another time. And the only reason I’m even mentioning yesterday at all is because God showed me that the word testimony has an entire different meaning. It’s not just about telling a story that ends with God saved me…the end.

It’s about having the boldness to stand up to tell you that I’ve been struggling really bad for a long time and at a very weak point I let the devil in. I’ve been on my journey with the Lord for seven years now and I thought I was too stupid to understand what scripture meant. I read the word and would try to retain the information but I didn’t feel confident enough to speak into someone’s life that wanted to know Jesus. But after yesterday, I’ve done nothing but give him all the glory in the fact that God gave me the ability to recognize that something wasn’t right.

In my rage, God stopped me dead in my tracks and gave me the sight to reach out to my mentor for prayer. The moment I heard her voice, my rage turned into humility. She prayed for me as I stood in my living room and instantly I felt peace. An indescribable peace came upon me and whatever was attached to me went away. God slammed the door that I had open shut! Straight mic drop right there in my living room. She prayed, “Whatever door was opened to let this enter, I pray for repentance.” Then all I could think about is, what do I repent for? I mean there are tons of stuff I can repent for but what specifically did I do to allow this to happen?

I then realized that I’ve been walking around with a bunch of stuff weighing me down..I’m single, I’m lonely, I’m struggling and I’m having some emotions about it. I got so use to carrying those emotions around with me that I just ignored them and pushed them down to avoid it. I keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about it and in that process of keeping myself busy, I grew weary. In that weariness, my body, mind & soul was not at rest. In that tiredness I became weak to the enemy and in that weakness he got me. But God intervened and sent all that packing.

It takes a split second for the enemy to come into your life and take over. Most of the time, we don’t even realize it’s happening until something bad happens. That is why all testimony points to Jesus. It’s through him that we find our victory, it’s through him that we find our peace and it’s through him that we find a way out of problems. What may seem like a small issue can quickly turn into a big one if you don’t let God squash it. Take everything before the Lord, all of it.. even the small stuff.

I know I’’m being very vague on the testimony given today. It’s not that I don’t want to share because I have no problems writing it down. I have to be obedient to what the Lord wants and I know he will give me the words to be more specific. Until then, please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Don’t be afraid to talk about them with someone you trust and don’t hold back in it. Don’t be afraid to talk about the hard stuff, after you get it out the Lord will give you peace. Indescribable peace..

I love your face..

Stay tuned..

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