Dear Diary, I’m struggling today

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Here pretty soon, I will be at my one year mark since I’ve become single. In this past year I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve learned how to appreciate being single. I’m not going to lie when I tell you that it’s hard. I don’t want to be by myself anymore and I’m tired of doing life on my own. The biggest reason why I’m tired of being on my own is because when I’m not keeping myself distracted my brain takes over. I have a lot of doubt in my mind right now because I look around and I see what others are going through that are in the same boat as me. The Lord gave me a gift of being able to observe and learn. And it’s one of those gifts that I often take for granted because sometimes I don’t want to see the things I see.

I’m going to be really honest in this entry when I tell you that the thought of being in another relationship makes me want to puke. Though my heart wants what it wants, I’m terrified.. I’m okay right now but what if I get involved with someone that awakens feelings that make me want to run. Oh look.. a red flag.. time to go! I carry my red flags around with me openly. I have them all organized alphabetically and color coded on the different shades of red. Ever hear of fifty shades of gray? Well I am fifty shades of red. But I’ve always been the type of person that will dump them all out in front of you and let you choose whether you want to get yourself into a situation of dating me. And the moment you show signs of being nervous, I get mean and I bolt. I reject you before you can reject me. What I’m learning is that all I’m doing is blocking the work that the Lord is trying to do in me.

Up until this point, anyone I’ve ever been involved with whether it’s for a week or 10 years has always ended badly. It’s easier for me to believe that I was the problem rather looking at the bigger picture that we were just not equally yoked. Though I try to say I’m healed and whole in Jesus name, I have to confess that I’m not convinced yet that it’s true. What if I fail? What if I’m not ready? What if I choose wrong again…?

If you read my other blogs then you are probably wondering what has opened this door? It was the moment I watched my grandson come into this world. The moment I put my eyes on Oliver for the first time, something in me shifted. It brought out a different level of fear. What if I love him and he goes away? God started opening old filing cabinets and He was telling me it was time to clean out those old dusty files and throw them away. He made me remember things I never wanted to remember again and He is making me feel those emotions I’ve tried my entire life to block. All I’ve been asking God is why? “I’m okay Lord. I don’t have to do this.” He replied back, “But are you really okay?” No.. no I’m not…

Then God pointed out that how can I ever let someone in if I don’t let myself in. Not only do I block other people from getting in, I have blocked myself from getting in. Someone told me that when people get hurt they build up these walls around them that prevents anything from happening again. Then he told me I put up walls in a different way. For example, when people go into a kitchen and burn their hand on the stove, they stop going into the kitchen because they know that room hurt them. Well I go right back into the kitchen but this time I put on something on that protects my hand from getting burned. I don’t know why that made so much sense to me but it really did.

Back to the old dusty filing cabinet that God is making me clean out.. It took me all this time to realize that my choices on relationships, whether it’s friends or dating has affected my ability to trust. I legit argued with God on this one because I trust everyone, I will give you a chance until you give me a reason not to trust you. He reminded me that it wasn’t that I trusted that person it was more that I put a protective glove on my hand so I wouldn’t get burned again. As I am writing these words, I am working all of this out in my head. I’m trying so hard not to repeat the same patterns I always do. How do I go about this differently? I trust God.. I’m starting to realize that maybe my trust in God wasn’t what I thought it was. Knowing that I don’t have to wear my protective glove when it comes to the one person in my life that has always been true to me. I have to trust Him that he’s putting the right people in my path and that I don’t have to be afraid.

Even though some of those people may hurt me, it’s in that hurt that we learn and grow. I have to feel that hurt to know that God will always bring me comfort and guide me through it. When I get through it and realize it didn’t take me out then I can truly give God all the glory in every situation I’m in. Good or bad.. God is always there. Being truly vulnerable to Him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I am realizing that I’m worth more than I give myself credit for. Even on days I’m in my feelings and I want to give up, He always shows up and reminds me that I’m okay. Knowing that when that day comes where I close my eyes in this world and open them up to a world that isn’t filled with fear or anguish will make all this pain worth it. Then I’m reminded when Jesus walked this earth. He walked this earth and people hurt him but he still loved them and forgave them. He truly endured pain that no person should ever have to experience and he still gave us grace.

That is what the Lord is teaching me right now, He is teaching me grace. I make mistakes on a daily basis and I feel so undeserving of what God is giving me. Why me Lord? I am nobody.. I’m nothing and I’ve done nothing to deserve your love. All these people come to me and tell me how I help them.. They tell me that I give them hope. I’m not doing anything… What did I do to give you that? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around that. God gives us spiritual gifts and I believe I have a couple of them. I operate in the ones I know how to operate in and I’m trying to figure out how to use the other ones. Again, why me? What does God see in me that I don’t?

I have made great strides in my walk on self discovery and though I feel like I’ve passed some with flying colors, there are other areas that I feel like I fail in. God keeps showing me that I’m not the only one that feels that way. There is a friend of mine that when I look at her, I see wisdom, I see knowledge, I see someone who has it all together but I discovered that she struggles with her self worth just like I do. And she even told me that the way I carry myself has given her courage to tell people her struggles. That blew my mind wide open. I told you earlier that God has given me the gift to observe and learn. He’s allowing me to see with different eyes and realize that in my boldness it’s giving other people courage to be bold.

At times I feel like I want to stop writing because I don’t really have anything to offer people, it is in those moments where God forces me to write. To share with you that I’m not perfect and by no means do I have it all together. Right now, I’m struggling with being in another relationship. I don’t know how long I will be single and even though my flesh wants to go out there to see what happens, my spiritual self has taken over and said no ma’am you just wait. Today is just one of those days where I am over thinking about the future. Today is one of those days where my loneliness is setting in and the enemy is making it hard for me to not think about how alone I am. I tend to hold back from writing on days I feel like this because it bothers me. Here I go again, just being a drama queen.. It’s not that I care what you think it’s more that I’m tired of the way I think about me.

I don’t care if I let you in at this point, it’s more about me letting myself in. I won’t be capable of really caring for someone else if I don’t take my glove off when I go in the kitchen. Here is what I do know… Regardless of what my mind is doing to me today, God has given me the powers to recognize it as it’s happening and cast it out in the name of Jesus. He gives us the power to cast these demons off that try to take us out. Not only do I have the power to do that, but so do you. All the shame I use to carry around about the number of men I’ve had in my bed, how I dragged my kids around with me in all of it and the fact that I blamed myself for being abused.. God lifted that off of me and he replaced it with grace. Jesus has given me grace for my actions and he’s telling me that it’s time to forgive myself for all of it. Though I forgave myself for some of it, He is now telling me it’s time to go the rest of the way on my journey of forgiveness, I have to forgive everyone that brought me pain, including myself. I can’t pick and choose what to forgive myself for because the day Jesus took his last breath on this earth He freed all of us from our sins and God gave us forgiveness.

We are going to have bad days but the trick is how long are we going to let that bad day stick with us? I’m leaving my bad day right here and I’m walking away from it. I am a daughter of the King and he loves me regardless of my mistakes. He loves you too! Just be still and know that he is God. The spirit of fear that is coming on me has to go in Jesus name.

I love your face..

Stay tuned..

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5 thoughts on “Dear Diary, I’m struggling today

  1. Hey i’m like very young But i’ve been going thru the same thing. ever since my gf died i’ve been looking for someone to fill a void. i’ve tried to keep busy but nothing works. I guess all we can do is keep praying God sends the right person our way.😉😁… Alex

    Liked by 1 person

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