A couple months ago, I found myself on this high so to speak. A high that meant that nothing around me was going wrong. Everything seemed to be falling into place and God just continued to bless me in ways that were blowing my mind. At the same time I found myself on this high, the Lord reminded me that it wasn’t always going to be like this. When the day comes I find myself in another storm to just keep pressing through and be reminded of the blesses that comes from those storms. Typically my flesh would be like, “No way nothing could ruin this..” But my spiritual self reminded my flesh that God was right.
When I find myself on a good streak, I don’t always armor up and get ready for the battles that will come at me down the road. I just keep it hung up in case I have to grab it quickly. There is a reason why the Lord tells us to keep on our armor because what goes up must come down. At a moments notice you have to be equipped and ready for battle.
If you want to know where that is referenced well you will find it in Ephesians 6:10-17, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
I never understood what any of those words meant. You could speak them to me and my immature self would be running to the costume store to buy some armor. I would joke and make fun of it, not because I didn’t believe those words but because I am an action kind of girl. Okay, you want me to put on armor..well here you go. My immaturity doesn’t come from trying to make fun of everything. It is a defense mechanism to steer your focus on the fact that I don’t know anything. If I’m funny then you can’t focus on the fact that in reality I’m an idiot. I’ve carried the, “I can’t do anything right” mentality for a very long time. I have a running joke where I tell people just blame it on me because it’s usually always my fault anyways. The more I’ve studied the word, the more God reveals himself to me and helps me understand what those words really mean. When someone comes at me sideways, I have a better understanding knowing it’s not them who is coming at me, it’s the spirits that operate in them. Even the devil knows God’s word and when you walk around with that word proudly displayed for people to see the devil gets ants in his pants. He doesn’t want to bow down to the King of all kings and he will do everything he can to stop you from shining your light Jesus gave you.
The minute Eve ate that piece of fruit, sin ruled this world. For thousands of years the devil has used this world has his personal playground. It’s been the same tricks and schemes for generation after generation and it’s not going to stop until Jesus comes back and sends him to hell. Until that day comes, I have to do everything I can to tell you about Jesus. It’s my job to tell you that in the middle of the evil, Jesus gives me the strength to overcome anything that comes at me. When I lived in my own sin, it was easy to live my life. That may sound stupid to some, but the peace I felt wasn’t coming from God. Honestly, saying I felt peace is a lie, I was numb… I was numb to anything good around me because the devil tormented me so much that I trained myself to feel nothing and I thought the numbness was peace.
Right now the Lord has me feeling all these feelings, and I’ve written about this before. I just couldn’t understand why feeling things was so important. God is now showing me that I have to feel it to get it out of me because I’ve spent so many years pushing crap down that now I have no room for anything else. Good or bad… there is no room. You can only pack in so much stuff before it comes bursting out and that moment it all comes out, the world defines it as a mental breakdown. The world defines you as a crazy person and then people start seeing you a certain type of way. Then comes the judgment, the whispers behind your back, the “bless her heart” looks and my favorite part.. the fake sympathy. The concern people portray to have for you but the reality is they are nosy and just want to know your business so they can run and talk about it.
That’s why I put all my crap out there. I don’t care what you say and who you say it to. If I am your topic of discussion well thank God it’s me and not someone else who gets damaged by the words that come out of your mouth. I know countless women who walk around terrified what people think about them. All they want to do is just be better and the minute they open their mouths for help, they get attacked by their own story. Then they isolate themselves because the devil convinced them they are not important. Then their pain turns into torment and the torment turns into them doing things that bring them more torment.
I hid my shame from because if people knew my head count of men I’ve been with is in the 60’s or higher, (I lost count to be honest), I would be called a whore. Both of my children are by two different men and the two abortions I had were by two different men. Does that stop me from sharing the fact that Jesus restored me? Nope! Do I walk around with shame that I’ve wasted years and years trying to find someone to love me… Nope! Do I walk around with the shame that I’ve been married three times? Nope! Do I walk around with the idea that I only deserve the bottom of the barrel because I chose to make decisions that affected what I could have had? Nope!
Are there women out there ashamed because their head count is the same as mine? Yep! Do people make them feel ashamed because they were whores too? Yep! Do you have any right to judge anyone on what they did in their lives? Nope! Are you perfect? Absolutely NOT! I hear people say, well what I did wasn’t as bad as what they did.. okay… well guess what. Go read John chapter 8 and start at verse 1. Read how the Pharisees brought a woman who commented adultery to the crowd and said she needed to be stoned to death because she was caught in the act. Then go down to verse 7 where Jesus says, “all right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.” Then read what happens after he said that, verse 9, “when the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.”
I was that woman in the middle of the crowd. Except the crowd wasn’t people, it was guilt, shame, disgust, torment, rejection and feeling unworthy. I could break the internet with all the bad words I could say about myself. Jesus said in three words all I needed to hear… “You…are…mine!” Jesus told me I didn’t have to carry all that bad stuff anymore. He told me to forgive myself and to forgive the people in my life that hurt me. In that forgiveness came the freedom! That’s why God called me to write the things I write about. So many people walk around with some much stuff on them because they feel so used up and they feel so broken that it would take a million years to put all the pieces back together.
I like to tell myself that I don’t deserve the blesses the Lord gives me. When I mess up, I’m way too hard on myself. I tell myself things like, Leah, you don’t deserve to have a good relationship with your children after all the crap you put them through. Leah.. you don’t deserve to have a good man in your life that will see past your mistakes. Leah.. you don’t deserve to have a beautiful grand baby that brings joy. Leah.. you don’t deserve to have real friends. I beat myself up because I know better. Then here comes Jesus.. he constantly reminds me that I do deserve all of it.
That’s why I am here and this is why I write what I write about because I need you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. Nothing you’ve done in your life deserves to hold you back from what God has for you. You are not a washed up has been.. you are a child of the Most High and he says you are worthy. Don’t let the world tell you what you should be or what you should do. Their opinions don’t matter… If you don’t pay my bills or sit at my dinner table every night then your opinion of what I should or shouldn’t do is irrelevant.
I am who God says I am!
I love your face!
One thought on “Dear Diary, I am not a washed up has been!”
WOW! Just WOW. Your wisdom is amazing and I could relate to all of your words. I have trouble putting words to my thoughts but I feel like you just did that. Thank you for your transparency. I love you! 😘
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