I would love to start this off by saying this post will be encouraging and uplifting. It probably won’t be. This is going to be more of a feelings dump kind of entry. I know I make jokes about the different personalities, and I wish I was joking. Is it serious enough where I should be medicated..? Probably.. but I use Jesus as my medicine.
The personality that really wants a boyfriend has been running rampant in my brain for the past week or so. It’s the personality I dislike the most because she is the one that causes the most problems. When I feel that way, I get on my phone and get to looking through the catalog of potential soul mates… *big eye roll* Am I saying that you can’t meet people through dating sites, absolutely not. It’s finding the men that are serious about what they want in their future and not ending up with the ones that want you to make their crappy situations better for them. I end up with the men that leave their luggage of emotional trauma for me to carry around. Then it ends up with me questioning my worth, and I put myself in a dark pit of, “what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?”.. Yea I’m not doing that anymore.
Right now, I am letting the thoughts of having companionship rule over me and I’m not doing anything about it. I am praying to the Lord about it, but I’m not letting him take it away from me. Why? Because I have to feel it. I have to feel lonely, I have to feel unwanted and unloved by my flesh because when it’s all over and done with, the Lord will come in and show me the lesson in it. Before, I would block these feelings with staying busy or just eat a bunch of snacks while watching the romance movies that would make me cry and question my existence on earth. Then I start feeling sorry for myself because I am this lonely, angry, bitter single woman that wants to know why everyone else gets what they want but I don’t…
A few minutes ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and said, “I mean God made Adam from the earth. He just rose him up from dust and boom there was Adam. Why can’t He just do that for me? I mean there is perfectly good dirt right outside that He can just throw together and make a man that is fresh and new that doesn’t come with emotional trauma.” I’m just sayin.. Well, that’s not going to happen so.. yea..
In one of my long verbose posts I put on my Facebook, I mentioned I’m going to share every aspect of my journey of feelings. Some people look at me like I have it all together. “You make being single look easy,” well it’s not easy. Here is the key to it, I choose not to let my flesh control my actions. Just like I can make a choice to go out and find some one who I feel like would be a good fit for me, I can also choose not to. I can either suffer through it until I don’t have to suffer anymore. Or I can suffer through it by finding some jack rabbit that will calm the cravings for the time being but next thing I know, he’s moved in my house and I’m not only carrying around my crap but his as well. Then I’m stuck with this human in my life that I don’t want anything to do with. Now that is suffering..
Being lonely is a powerful tool that the devil keeps in his bag of tricks. Single people are extremely vulnerable. I don’t care if you’ve been single for one week or for one decade. You still struggle! Jesus himself even sent the disciples out by twos.
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Don’t get it twisted, I don’t read that verse and cry out to the Lord, “see God, I’m supposed to have a man.” Quite the opposite in fact! I read that verse and it reminds me that even if I don’t have a man in my life to call my own, I do need someone. I surround myself with women. Women who speak truth to me and keep me lifted when I am weak. It’s also a good idea to get yourself a single GIRL friend. Mainly because they are more available to hang out, or more likely to answer the phone because they don’t have anything else going on. A friend that you can do life with. Having a single girlfriend is a gamer changer in your walk in singleness.
Do I want to stay single forever? Absolutely not! Is there a chance I will be? Maybe. Do I like the idea of being single forever? Absolutely not! Here is where my thought process of being single has changed for me. If staying single means I get a place in heaven, then so be it. If the Lord has decided it’s best for me to just be on my own, well it’s what I’m going to do. I’m not saying I won’t have some attitude about it or get in my feelings regarding it but it is what it is. Making sure I stand before God on the day of judgment and he tells the tour guide to show me to my mansion. Then it makes all this suffering on earth worth it. Living forever with no pain, no bad feelings, no heart ache is something worth striving for.
That means my purpose of having these feelings is to share them with you in hopes that it brings you encouragement and strength to hold fast during this season of your life. Regardless of how long this season may last, you have to live for the Lord and don’t live for your flesh. Even though I feel lonely right now, I’m not sitting around questioning my self worth. I use too.. but I don’t anymore. I know my worth and I know if God brings a man in my life, he will be loved like no other. I refuse to be in another relationship that requires me being on the back burner. I am not a back burner woman, I am a God fearing woman that knows when God puts me with a God fearing man, it will be on like donkey kong. I may have 99 personalities but being a chump ain’t one.
That is the mind set ladies that you need to have. Know your worth and let God show you how amazing you are. Stop trying to figure out and just submit to God’s will and watch what happens. It’s going to be ok..
I love your face..
One thought on “Diary of a struggling single woman”
I agree, also being married has its issues as well. we all need to have God to help us in our daily lives. I know that i am not the only one that experiments such things. So it is important to encourage one another as much as possible while we are just passing thru until Jesus comes back for his church.
Prayer is important as well as encouragement it helps us keep in mind that other women are thinking of us and loving us at the same time.
As women we are worthy under God and what our purpose is in our lives as we continue to be God fearing women of God.
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